Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My Drunk Bestfriend

You would have thought that at some point of time, during your life, you would learn your mistakes and not to repeat it again. Mine has always been ME! MYSELF and I? I’ve always been a gregarious person. I am friendly to everyone – even the cleaners on the road!

I have no problem socialising with anyone and my husband said that most times it is quite difficult to not like me, unless of course it’s another woman with similar characteristics and therefore feeling threatened.

Here’s my issue many many times ago – My best friends are usually men. And they somehow always ended up falling in love with me. Wait… before you judge me, I have not done it intentionally. Neither am I so full of myself. I think I’m ordinary in terms of looks but I think it’s the way I talk that wins it all. At least that’s what I was told.

Everything I did or wrote (sms, whatsapp, email,etc) is known to my husband and if it was inappropriate, my husband would have told me. Time & again I would ask my husband where I’ve gone wrong. Time and again my husband just sigh and said “It’s just you. Don’t worry about it”

I am worried. I’ve always grown up among many boys. Thus the reason I’m more comfortable with boys than girls. As expected I do not have the traits of a typical lady. I hate shopping, I don’t like to go for manicure, pedicure…I would be bored sitting there if I have to wait for my hair to get done. While it didn’t influence my sexual orientation (I still like men!) I am somehow described as men’s best friend  (No, I’m not a bitch) coz I sort of think like them too.

When I was 18, my childhood friend one day told me that he was interested to be more than just best friends. I have no idea about love since I never allowed that to happen. He said it would be fun since we already know each other inside out.

And so we tried. It failed dramatically. And he never want to hear from me ever again. Honestly, it was because I couldn’t stop seeing him as a best friend and giggled when we try to be intimate. He would be the one person who up till today , I know would “die for me”. He loved me with all his heart and expected the same. I couldn’t give him that and had I known how painful it was for him, I would have done things differently. I would say no to his idea of trying to be more than best friends. Coz I know he loved me with all his heart and he doesn’t deserve not to be loved back. He deserves more. As a result, I lost my best friend. I still wish I have him in my life today.

When I was 21, after moving into career life, again I had a best friend who didn’t tell me for 2 years that he was in love with me. Those 2 years I was attached & I confided in him whenever I had an argument with my boyfriend at that time. He was sweet. He was nice. He was also attached. So I didn’t think very much of it. One day, I was going to be posted in another country and he drove all the way from the chalet he was at (With his girlfriend in the car who obviously had no idea why he drove to my place), just to tell me that he had feelings for me & that I shouldn’t go.

That was awkward. His girlfriend was in the car and my boyfriend was in the house!!! I said we should talk about that tomorrow. He came at 8 pm the next day and he said let’s take the boat & talk. So we did. While it was just the two of us (which now when I really think about it was a stupid idea!!) He talked about his feelings and what he envisioned his life to be. With me in it! He also tried to kiss me. I said I was still attached and I was already going through a situation whereby I had to decide with my boyfriend at that time what to do with regards to the distance we would have…. And now come another problem. I said no to him. And the ride back to shore seemed the longest. He cried and every time I tried to hold him and calm him down as a best friend that we were, he tried to kiss me. He took it differently. In the end I had to resort to sitting the opposite end of the boat which he resented saying I made him feel like a complete disease. What other choice do I have??? I didn’t want to complicate the situation. He dropped me off that night, kissed my cheeks & said goodbye. I never heard from him again. I left the country without saying goodbye to him. He changed his number, he changed his job, and I asked his mom about him (his mom loves me too & still in touch with me up till today) he told his mom that I should not hurt him more. That cut me deep. How the hell did this happen?? “It’s just you.”

Today I have 2 kids, he has one kid, we are both married and yet whenever he knows I was in that country and would visit his mom, he would cancel his trip so he doesn’t need to see me. His mom asked me “Do you think he Is still in love with u?” I don’t know. But he has a wife now. Why is he still scared of seeing me?  He must hate me so much now.

When I was 27, similar thing happened again. I befriended a friend and soon we hang out and have pizzas together and watch movies together with our friends too. We have never had any dates. Except for occasional breakfast he dropped at my office, then he would stay for 15 min and we talked a bit before he ran off to his office. Our conversation was straightforward and there wasn’t a chance that people would think we were together.

On Valentine’s Day he asked if I had a date and I said no. He said he doesn’t either. He said we both need to eat dinner, should we go grab something? I said why not?? I wasn’t even dressed up because he said “grab something!” but he was….so I was like “whoaah,that’s very classic. Are u trying to woo me or something?!” I laughed. And he replied “why not?” I jumped into the car and continued talking stupidly like he was my brother. He listened very carefully each time but that night  he looked at me adoringly.. he had his sly smile.

At the dinner table, he asked if we should try. And me being me, I blurted out saying he was more like a brother for me! And I laughed. How insensitive was I??? Damn bitch! He didn’t finish his food …while I did. What? It was good food and I was really hungry!

We had a little walk home. He said I’ve hurt him really deep. I said if not hurting him means accepting the proposal to be his girl, that wouldn’t be fair for me. I never did think of him romantically and it’s hard to just switch on that mode. I told him that I do not want more since that would mean we might not work and we would lose each other as best friends. He said I’ve already lost him. He walked me home and he avoided me since then. I lost yet another good person in my life.

So what happened? According to my husband, “It’s just you”.

3 years ago, I met this friend of mine. He was attached to one of my friend. It was a big roller coaster between the two of them and eventually my friend decided to end the relationship. X had no one to turn to so my husband became his confidante. They talked a lot and he was always at our place. I’m very blunt with him and he saw how I am with my husband and my kids and he saw my two pregnancies and how I didn’t change a bit. Even when I was huge at 9  months I was still joking around and happy. At some point, my husband wasn’t available. So I became his confidante. By then he has met someone and this relationship was crazier than the last! His lady was very jealous and he wasn’t able to take it. Too many times he came running to our place and seek refuge because once she was even being violent at him.

I’m older now, so I’m calmer and I thought I wouldn’t be attracting too much trouble either. X & me became best friends and my hubby even told me that if at some point if he wasn’t around , we can count on X to be there for me. No problem at all. He’s always over at our place for dinner and is always playing with our kids. He’s almost part of the family. We always tell everyone we are siblings from a different mother! ;)

A month ago, he got really drunk. From what I gathered, he had another huge fight with his girlfriend and he was wondering if I would come over because he needed me then. My husband had a day trip & was expected to arrive home at 1am so I said no. I’ve never been to his place ever – more because of the jealous lion! So why would I go now? I said I want to wait for my husband.

Then he started ranting about being there for him.

X:            I am really happy we are friends
Me:         You should be happy and honoured because I choose my friends carefully
X:            You are a bit too attractive & sexy but what about  you being my sister?
Me:          I’ll always be your sister
X:            Hmm…naaaw. Too sexy to be my sister. Well, you will never really be my 
               sister. I will always see the woman in you.
Me:          Only when you are drunk!
X:            Possibly so. Anyhow, I think you & I should try to stick together. Whatever it is.
               You are crazy but you are a good person. With a big heart. Maybe I’m crazy as
               well. I love your craziness. I love you!
              (Pause for  min)
Me:         Have u passed out yet?
X:           No. Still here…. (Pause) Just stay with me.
Me:         Hmm, it’s confirmed you are very drunk
X:            Yes! But I still mean every word….. Hey nothing should change between the
              two of us. Promise?
Me:         Ok. I’ll be the friend that you need.
X:           I’m serious. I meant everything.
Me:         I know you do
X:            Kind of strange, isn’t it?
Me:         That you are telling me all these only when you are drunk? Many people do silly
               things when they are drunk. Don’t worry
X:            No! Really! You are very special to me. And you are even very special to my
               mom. I don’t feel that I am any special to you like that. It doesn’t matter.
               (Silence for another 2 min)
Me:          Still there?
X:            You were there so many times and I thank you for that! I just wish one day I
               could make it up to you
Me:        Just continue to be my bestfriend. That’s enough for me. And keep my secrets
              to  death. And do not fall in love with me.
X:           Too late already! But I’ve accepted the fact that I have no chance. Everything I
              just said I am happy to share with Julia. If she doesn’t understand, I don’t care.
Me:         Please don’t say that. I don’t want to lose you as my bestfriend. We had a good
              run! Stay that way.
X:           Nobody knows the future. It’s not relevant now. I just want to tell you that I’ll  
              always be there for you. We need more time together.. People already know 
              we are close but nobody understands. Maybe even I don’t. And I told you things
              I   before promised I would never tell anybody? Why? I trust you like hell! Why 
              do I do that?? I don’t know. I just feel it. Who are you? Where do u come from?
              I have no answer.
Me:        I’m still your bestfriend.
X:          Just in case I haven’t said enough, I will always be there for you. You can rely on
              me. No matter what. I am not sure why I say that but I feel that.
              (Silence … gulping)
              Can we be more than just friends?
Me:        Yes you are my bestfriend instead of being just friends
X:           I’m so unsure. You are so nice to everybody. You are always out there helping
              everyone. I don’t know whether I’m any special but you need to know that you
              are special to me. I mean it. You were there in so many difficult situations. I 
              appreciate so much. You are very special and even Julia knows that. Probably 
              the reason she hates u. It’s not even your fault. I’m sorry.


It went on and on. Eventually I told him to go to sleep as I knew he was pretty drunk. I thought after that, that it was a great idea not to be there at that time.

Anyway, the next day, he said asked if I was ok. I said yes. Nothing changes at my end. He said he meant what he said and I said ok. And we moved on talking as per normal. A day after that, probably realisation caught up with him and probably he felt slightly embarrassed? I don’t know.

He started to write lesser and lesser. That same week, I went thru  a lot. The house hunting, this and that. And he wasn’t responding much so I didn’t tell him that I needed to talk to someone. 2 weeks after that he asked if I was ok. I said no and I snapped and said that “How would u know? U didn’t even bother to ask??”

That was when he told me that he was going thru hell. Apparently his girlfriend went wild and literally attacked him many times. Again I got concerned. He said he is fine. He seems to be different. He doesn’t want me too involved anymore. So I backed off.

Our friendship has gone a little cold. We used to be inseparable but these days, he said he needs to protect himself first. I don’t know what that means? From his girlfriend? From me? I let it be…..

I do love him.... but not like that. I love him like a brother. :(

3 comments:

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  2. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this
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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading. :) I guess I'm a rather complex person. Sorry I havent written any post for the longest time but I'm hoping to change that now. So stay tuned! Thank you again for your support.

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