Pipi Longstocking

After a few days off work from being quite ill, I finally made my "debut" appearance in the office today. I'm sure my employees are bitching about my absence the whole 4 days. I'm not about to play my violin & explain  to them how I couldn't even get out of bed for a few days! Not a fan of basking self-pity in a hat!

Anyway, I came almost as abruptly as I left. ;) Went straight into the meeting room where I know the rest would be on a Friday at this time. They were discussing about our own marketing campaign. I was quiet, listening to their ideas for a while. They were talking about finding reasons to send out greetings so we will be remembered.

So I said let’s not forget fun stuff like Halloween. And all thoughts were circled into this idea. We even talked about having a party for our clients. I suddenly exclaimed excitedly  “I’ll dress up as PIPI LONGSTOCKING!”

Then there was silence. There were a few smile but most of all, there were faces of a question mark on the faces of our younger staff.

“Who is PIPI LONGSTOCKING?” One of the staff finally asked.

Goodness me! I finally realised that most of my designers are in their 20s. I grew up with Sesame Street & Electric Company. They grew up with Wiggles & Spongebob Square pants… They don’t know who Smurfs were till Hollywood decided to make an animation about it last year! Oh gosh…. I suddenly felt so old, ancient….I’m  a dinosaur! Almost extinct!

So I looked it up quickly & showed the rest about PIPI from WIKIPEDIA - Pippi Longstocking (Swedish Pippi Långstrump) is a fictional character in a series of children's books by Swedish author Astrid Lindgren, and adapted into multiple films and television series. Pippi was named by Lindgren's then nine-year-old daughter, Karin, who requested a get-well story from her mother one day when she was home sick from school.Nine-year-old Pippi is unconventional, assertive, and has superhuman strength, being able to lift her horse one-handed without difficulty. She frequently mocks and dupes adults she encounters, an attitude likely to appeal to young readers; however, Pippi usually reserves her worst behavior for the most pompous and condescending of adults. Pippi's anger is reserved for the most extreme cases, such as when a man ill-treats her horse. Like Peter Pan, Pippi does not want to grow up. She is the daughter of a buccaneer captain and as such has adventurous stories to tell. She has four best friends, two animal (her horse and a monkey) and two human, the neighbor's children Tommy and Annika

They were like… “Oh,ok”

I felt so not cool! Damn it! I wanted to argue about it and defend myself and I was like … Hmmm, what’s the point? I am older than everyone in the office. Mind you, being 36 and being the boss ain’t that shabby either. But 36 seems ancient to most of my employees.

I am working in the advertising company whereby being hip is part of breathing technique! We have to be “IN” all the time…. Our designers are constantly checking out new bogus ideas. I do struggle sometimes to stay abreast to the fast pace life of an advertising company but I have to say, I love the excitement of the advertising industry! I’m a little addicted to the thrill of presenting our final product & hearing people gasped in awe….

Anyway back to PIPI. One of my employees even went on saying “Hey that’s a great idea, we can have that as a theme for our party! The old animated characters!” I threw a book at him. He ducked & missed it! Damn it! He so deserve it!

“It’s not OLD!! You are just 8 years younger than me! There must be something overlapping!”

But the whole gang agreed that our clients probably would find it funny to have the characters they are familiar with (at their age). So, they were looking at Care Bears, Flint Stones, etc.

I am not that old ….  Am I?

The Tragic Road Accident

You can read about the news here: 

http://motoring.asiaone.com/Motoring/News/Story/A1Story20120515-346036.html

On 12th May at 4:09 am, there was a tragic car accident here in Singapore. It didn't take long for the news to spread like wild fire. Everywhere I went ... there were details of the tragic accident being talked about, broadcasted on TV or plastered papers everywhere. There was no way of NOT knowing about this accident if you are living in Singapore.

I cringed to the news. I was involved in a car accident when I was 9, whereby I lost both my parents to a drunk truck driver. I survived the impact but I was so traumatised that at the age of 9, against many therapists advice, I went through hypnotherapy to bury that memory into a safe place.

It was a long process but it worked. I moved on, I was a happy cheerful kid, growing up to a point that if I did not mention about the tragic accident in my life, nobody would think I ever had anything traumatising happening in my life.

Out of curiosity, and up till today, I still didn't understand why I clicked on the video which was heavily publicised everywhere. It was literally EVERYWHERE to a point  that I felt the need to look at it. That was the most stupid thing for me to do.

The video showed how the accident happened. And seconds after that,  the memory which was safely locked in a good place, ( and hoped never to be found again), suddenly emerged like flash images in front of me. What have I just done???  I had just unlocked the memory bank!!!

I could hear the screeching of the car, the bright lights heading straight at us... and that one big bang ..... I cringed to the memory as the emotions that was tagged to it quickly engulfed me like a big tsunami wave! I choked & my heart was pounding so hard ....but I was with my two babies so I shut the video, smiled at them as if nothing happened.

My kids were unwell at this time .. and my son is still recuperating VERY SLOWLY….. at first my husband was ill. My daughter caught whatever he was having last week & now my son is going through the same thing. For the sake of my family, I put aside my own feelings & attended to them. They needed me.

Days passed as I suppressed my need to “deal” with my emerged memory. Throughout the course of the day, I would be reminded here and there. Even though I have a strong urge purge the overwhelming emotions by breaking down & cry (just to get it out of my system), I didn’t do so…. I started humming & started thinking of happy thoughts……Procrastinating on dealing on something so disturbing to me.

It worked for a while, and my angelic children’s faces are enough to make me hold back.

I have them …. They are my life now. My son however, have been struck by this virus worse than anyone else in the family did. It could be because he is the youngest & may not have the immunity to fight against this virus yet.

For 3 days in a row, we haven’t slept properly. I am seriously talking about only one or two proper hours while spending the rest of the night attending to our miserable son. Either being puked on or being poo-ed on ....He was in agony & I became angry as exhaustion took over ..

We went to the doctor on Tuesday & the doctor didn’t think there is seriously wrong with my son. However, every single night, my son would clutch his tummy & sleep with his knees on his tummy, crying in agony non-stop. I was merely given ibuprofen & paracetamol. I do not understand why we are going through these sleepless nights if there is really nothing serious with him??!!

Why am I telling you all these? Well, had all these not happened, I believe I could probably deal with my emotions better. The lack of sleep, the exhaustion, not knowing how to help your son in agony ultimately took a toll on me.

I couldn’t think anymore. My husband has just recovered from this virus and he is not getting any sleep either since he needs to help me when our son threw up everywhere. (Usually on me- bugger!) So I really didn’t want to bother him more.

While I thought I did really well suppressing my feelings, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep & lack of understanding on what’s going on with our son, the worry - all rolled into one big gigantic emotional ball -  I lost it last night.

I looked like I was so in control.  My son’s fever rose high again & you could see me running with all the necessary medications. Finally he calmed down. My husband retreated into the bed hoping to catch some sleep knowing very well that we would have to wake up again soon.

At that moment, I knew I was falling apart…. I went into the bathroom , fell sitting on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.

I didn’t want to bother my husband since I thought he should be trying to get what little sleep we were entitled to, so I tried to cry very quietly. I didn’t know how long I’ve been there ….  A high pile of used tissues later, my husband came into the pitch dark bathroom. Finding me on the floor, he panicked wondering what happened (or maybe wondering what he has done wrong now)

I blurted everything, crying into his arms. And he was holding me so tight.  I was grateful that he was there. I missed my parents. And being scared to talk about it because I am worried I wouldn't be able to pull it together is probably the biggest fear I have.  I missed them terribly. The video reminded me of the impact I went through & how everything was too fast for me to grasp on how I lost my own parents.

I always have in my head going "Can someone explain to me again how I lost my parents?"

It was too fast. In a split second you lost everything you ever know. You lost everything you love.

How fragile is a human life. I really feel bad for the cab driver & his passenger who didn’t do anything wrong & innocently had their lives taken away from them without any warning at all. The passenger was a lady in her 20s!  So much to do in life and now it’s all over.

I felt sick in my tummy thinking the loss their family would be going through now because I know that feeling darn well and it’s not a nice feeling at all.

I feel extremely sad for everyone who was affected by this tragic accident on 12^th May.

While I was heavily being pampered on Mother’s Day (13^th May in Singapore), I had no idea that the cabby’s family spent the whole night by his side hoping for him to pull it through. He didn’t make it.

I only found out about the news on Monday. And I felt a pang of guilt & wanted to reach out to his family badly. But can I take it? I was emotionally affected by my own tragic accident, would I be able to be there for another family who lost their sole breadwinner.

At this point, I wish I could tell his kids that it will be ok. But will it? There were reports saying that the Ferrari driver that hit the cab could be intoxicated. And if that’s the case, I have no mercy for that driver at all. 

If he wasn’t , why was he running into a red light? I saw threads of angry writers condemning this Ferrari driver for what he did and the losses that had incurred due to his mistakes. I know he has family too and that they are mourning for his loss. Having said that, it didn’t stop me from being very angry at him for his judgement, his driving & his carelessness. As a result, his family suffered the most. The loss of someone they love, the judgement & criticisms they had to hear & the guilt they would feel for the loss of other innocent lives.

A lot of threads were also pulling the nationality card. I believe that no matter what nationality he is, what he did was very wrong. What he did has hurt his own family most – his wife (who is pregnant with their second child), his mom & his brother. While they are defending his allegations (like any family would), I know deep down, they know that what he did wasn’t right.

Yes I am angry about this accident. I cannot stress enough how many innocent lives have been taken away from their loved ones due to drink driving or drug driving.

Please spread the word around. You may not have already lost someone in such accident before but trust me, it is something you really do not want to feel.

The loss, the emptiness, the anger, the disappointment. Please advise your friends and remember it yourself – no matter how much you think you are not drunk, if you drink, please take a cab. You wouldn’t be able to move on knowing you killed someone due to your negligence.

Please ... help anyone who is drunk into a cab. You have no idea how many lives you would be saving by that one gesture.

.....

Feeling Like A-Not-Good-Enough Mother

Have you ever felt like you are not a good enough mother? Or is it just me?

Sometimes I feel like that. I have a 31 months old daughter & a 16 months old son. Both very hyperactive.The small gap between them provides a love hate relationship.

Most times, they love each other. But there are times when they would literally hurt each other.

Sometimes I would have to cancel a conference call to attend to my children. Although we have a maid, her main job scope is cooking & cleaning. It's pretty normal in Singapore that having a maid means you have a babysitter 24-7!

Maybe I'm just stubborn or just too anal, but I have never left my children with my maid. There is nothing wrong with leaving the kids with her. I can trust her. But I just have this snobbish feeling that they are mine & only me, me, me shall take care of them.

Running an advertising company in Singapore & Australia means I have to REALLY juggle my time between kids, employees & work. I did it so well for a while but I think the system is beginning to fall through now. The kids are getting older & being in my office, doodling, playing with their toys  just won't do it anymore.

My daughter is in playschool now. She goes to school every day from 9:30 am till 12:30 pm. During that time, I work since my son would have his nap anyway. I would fetch her & I would play with the kids till it's their nap time. While they are sleeping, I would rush my job to cover as many as I can within the short period of time. Yup, I am amazed to what I could do in a short period of time when I am so pressured! ;)

They would wake up at 4pm. I would take them to the playground, to the beach or to the pool. Wear them out. And take them home, shower them, have dinner (with my husband too) & put them to bed.

That would be around 8pm. I would work a bit more, till maybe 9:30 or 10 pm before I joined my husband in the living room for our quality time.

We usually do not go to bed earlier than midnight. We have so much to catch up on about the day.  I am working & taking care of the kids during the day which means my husband does the night shift! :)

I do not wake up to attend to them. I might be woken up by them from their crying but my husband attends to them. Have no idea how or when we ended up having such a routine. We definitely didn't talk about it. My husband is glad to do it though. He said otherwise he feels like he is missing the bonding part with his children.... …alright,dear....if you insist! ;)

Anyway, lately, my daughter has been acting different. Maybe it's just being a terrible two. Or maybe there is something more.

I have always not in favour of smacking or screaming at my children. I use the NAUGHTY CHAIR technique. And it was working on my daughter for the longest time till recently.

She became somewhat angry ... ALL THE TIME. And she would say she hates me. And everything that is normal... like having lunch or dinner... she would oppose to it. I was certain that she was just refusing lunch & dinner just to piss  us off. Or to get a reaction from us.

For the longest time, I have been very patient. When she starts her tantrum, I would validate if she needs a hug (against her wish of course) or should I ignore her.

Once in Target in Australia, she decided to wail & lay down in the middle of the aisle. I let her. I sat somewhere nearby & told her that once her performance is over, I would be just there waiting for her. After 5 minutes of shouting & screaming (of course it came with a lot of staring, head shaking & nasty remarks from other people about how I should control my child), she finally came to me & apologised (where were the nasty remark people now?? They should have seen that!)

Right.... my daughter is not all bad. Somehow or rather, she does come to her senses eventually & would come and apologise.... but before that, the whole public humiliation has grown me 6 inch of skin. Yup, I'm a thick skin mama now.

On the other hand, sometimes all she needed was a hug but she refused to admit it. She would be throwing herself on the floor, screaming & crying, kicking & punching anyone who gets in her way.

No one else seems to be able to handle her except me. I would grab her making sure that I lock her arms & legs in my embrace so that I don't get hurt, and hold her very tight, whispering "I love you so much sweetheart. I really do... It's ok.... I'm here with you"

That seems to calm her down. Eventually I could feel her body softens & she would apologise & kiss me.

I would then take the chance to explain what she did wrong. I kept it at only 2 sentences before I hug her again.

Having said that, I do not handle it well all the time. There were times when she would do anything just to stir up her little brother. Or vice versa. And it's always happening when I have a dateline or I have to answer a call. Or reply to an urgent email. All the crucial time in the world!

How I do what I do, I don't know. I am taking one day at a time but yesterday I lost it.

They were arguing & my daughter suddenly whipped her hand up & hit her brother. After getting into a string of trouble before that & too many scolding which didn't seem to sink in, I got so mad that I shouted at her... I was shocked myself. Both my children stopped & starred at me.

Then I had a sense of panic ... Oh no what have I done?! I lost control! I really did. For the very first time, I asked the maid to watch the kids while I went to the bathroom to regain my composure. I was disappointed at myself. I was broken - by a 2 year old She won! I lost! I mean seriously!! How can that even be possible?!

After a few minutes, I came out again & what a surprise ... they were arguing. The shout didn't change anything. Which confirms the fact that screaming at my children is a waste of time. What I was afraid to admit was that, 20 minutes later, my daughter got really upset that she shouted at me. What have I done? She seems to learn the wrong thing?! She seems to think that if you are super angry, just shout!!!

I felt like a total loser. Tried to call my husband but he was in a meeting. I was somehow disappointed in myself & felt like I'm the worse mother ever.

Then the conversations I had prior to these about how other mothers do this & that & how they control their children.....it was playing at the back of my head.... like a spoilt cassette recorder (If that even exists anymore!) Somehow I was spiralling down.... feeling sorry for myself & was even blaming me trying to juggle work & family as a reason.....

But wait, I work only when they are not available.... oh just let me feel sorry for myself!

It’s fair to say that I wasn’t proud of myself yesterday. Does that ever happened to you too? Or is it just me?

#Blogging4Madeleine - Maddie McCann

Happy Birthday Maddie…. Wherever you are. I hope you make a wish when you blow the candle on your beautiful cake. And I hope your wish will come true.

Today, Madeleine Beth McCann would be 9 years old. A beautiful wide eyed little girl would be choosing what cake she wants for her birthday, what the theme of her party would be ,who should be on the guest lists & what she’s going to wear for her very special day. She will probably make it fun for her siblings too. And her parents will definitely make it a day to be remembered!

However, that is the picture we would expect if Maddie was with her family. Madeleine McCann has been abducted one fine evening of Thursday, 3 May 2007 in an apartment, in the central area of the resort of Praia da Luz, Portugal, shortly before she turned 4.

That evening, her parents has left their 3 kids in their apartment unsupervised while they dined with  others of their friends, about 100 yard away from their apartment. As much as I wondered why they decided to do that (as I know it’s not something I would do myself), they must have been very sure that no harm would come to these children.

Kate McCann, Maddie’s mother, also claimed that she came by often to check on the kids. It may have been a judgment call based on relevant situation. What’s fair to say is that, Kate McCann hasn’t forgiven herself for that decision (although it might even be a joint decision with her husband Gerry McCann). So let us give her a break & try to put ourselves in her shoes& mourn her ordeal.

In 2007, when we first heard about her disappearance, it didn’t affect me as it does now when I’ve become a mother myself. I understood Kate’s concerns. I understood how she felt. I emphasize because being a mother myself, it gave me this strange height of understanding that only mothers would experience. It’s liberating & yet it heightens my concerns.

Two days ago, I closed my eyes & tried to put myself in Kate's shoes. It was almost close to a meditation, allowing no disturbance during my mind simulation. I had a rush of anxiety....A feeling I would feel if I come back to my apartment & couldn't find my little sweet face in her own bed! The rush of panic that ran through my whole body & the screeching scream in my head jolted me out of my “trance”

I felt a sudden pain in my heart just imagining it. I had to sit down & breathe for a while. I glanced at my two babies. One will turn 3 this September & one is 16 months. I wouldn't forgive myself had anything happen to them. I held them tight, repeatedly saying I love them .... I feel so lucky to be able to tell that to my babies. How did Kate feel not being able to tell that to her little girl ?

I did a lot of readings about Maddie, running through articles about any mention of this beautiful little girl.

If only I could let the world stop for 30 seconds & let everyone feel that rush I had....the panic, the guilt,  the sadness, the stabbing feeling in my heart if it was my own child ... If I could do that, there's higher possibilities that others would relate to Kate & Gerry's grief & come forward if they have any lead about Maddie.

I sat by the window yesterday, sipping on my coffee looking out to the sea.... Where is she? How is she? What is she doing? Does she know she has been kidnapped ? Does she know she could possibly have a better life?

I can relate to Kate's fear of what possibly could happen if she is in the hands of a paedophile. Or someone who is sick in the head, keeping her captive or even abusing her. .............. This innocent little soul………

Ohhhh …I had to stop writing for a while. I was feeling a bit sick at the thought. Can't bear the thought .... Blame my 'mommy heart'....

Meanwhile I distracted myself by reading every article possible & stumbled upon a show called Haunting Evidence. I watched the show & I became very hopeful as the show went on. Just (for one second) imagine how Kate would feel if she watches this show .... In the end, they claimed that Maddie has been murdered ... I wasn't too convinced by that.

I tried to find some research on it & found out that there is no prove in these findings. And the saddest (or almost sick )  part is that they haven't managed to solve any of their findings on the show. None of the case was solved. So what does that mean? Why would people to that ? Especially when Maddie's parents are hopeful & still actively looking for Maddie? How sick can anyone be to scoop that low for their personal gain (Or stardom)?

The claim they have was a man has abducted Maddie while she was sleeping. There is no CCTV that has captured any bit of these. The door was unlocked. Could Maddie have woken up & walked out of the apartment looking for her parents. But if that's the case, why didn't anyone alert the police for finding a tiny little girl who is lost? Could she have hurt herself? Again, someone would have found her. Maybe someone found her roaming around aimlessly & decided it's finders keepers. The possibilities are never ending.

There are several sightings of possibly Maddie being with the person who abducted her. However, most sightings have not been confirmed to be Maddie unfortunately.

Her eyes plays a huge role in this. Somehow it's almost like she is meant to be well known in her own way. It's one part that you can't hide under clothing.

When she was born, she was meant to open our eyes to possible dangers that surround us. She is meant to be special. A notable identification feature is a coloboma of her right eye where the pupil runs into the iris in the form of a black radial strip reaching from the pupil out to the edge of the white at the '7 o'clock' position, about 30° clockwise from the bottom. So if you stumbled into a child who possibly be Maddie, please try to check her eyes as that would be the most obvious clue.

Maddie can be anywhere now. Karen & Gerry are dying for an answer or a closure. I'm doing my part in Southeast Asia ... Especially after the recent news about how an Australian woman can be involved in this. Singapore is very near to Australia...

In conjunction to Maddie’s 9^th birthday, when Maddie should be blowing the candles on her cake & make a wish ... Let us be a little extra vigilant & look out for this amazing little girl.

She could be anywhere.... Anywhere at all. Please .... Let us do our bit ... Here's a possible picture of how she would look like today.

If anyone have any leads or the slightest suspicion of where Maddie would be, please write back to us & I'll drop everything to attend to this issue immediately.

Alternatively, please report any sightings/ information directly to the contacts below:

o Your local police force immediately

o Operation Grange - 0207 321 9251 (in the UK)

                                - +44 207 321 9251 (non-UK)

o Or email to  Operation.Grange@met.pnn.police.uk

o Or Crimestoppers in confidence on 0800 555111 or www.crimestoppers-uk.org

If u need complete anonymity, it can be granted too ... Whatever it takes so that she can be reunited with her family again. She deserves that .. She deserves more than that... She deserves a beautiful childhood with her parents & her twin siblings. That was taken away from her... So if you know something, anything at all ... You could be the miracle that the McCann are waiting for the last 5 years.

Help us make this miracle come through .... please …

Maddie, hang in there. We are almost there ...

The Find Madeleine official : website www.findmadeleine.com