So, I haven’t been abreast with my post. Honestly, it’s embarrassing!! I had 3 posts for 2013! Yeah, let’s join forces and try to whip me sometimes and remind me that I’m due for the next post!!
Alright … in my defence, life has taken over in a big way and so many things has happened. I was up. I was down. I was hot. I was cold. (Feels so Katy Perry right now!) ;) I was all over the place. And therefore this blog has taken a back seat.
So from now on, I think I shall take this blog in a different perspective. I’ll take it as my diary. An avenue for me to vent or rant … No one puts a gunpoint for you to continue reading so the choice is yours. ;)
There were a few major things which happened which I have yet to comprehend. Maybe I’m just growing older and wiser and maybe it really was my fault. Maybe I was just Miss Nice whom everyone loves to walk on. Who knows?
I’ll share with you a few things which happened. Let’s talk about the first thing. And probably the longest blog you would ever read.
In 2012, my beautiful niece was born. My mom being the sweet person that she is, told my brother (Sam) that she wouldn’t mind babysitting the baby for a while after his wife, Rachel, goes back to work after 4 months of maternity leave.
Yes in Singapore, women get only 4 months maternity leave before you are expected to go back to work. Doesn’t work for me because I have my own company. I therefore never really stopped working. I just do more hours at home than in the office.
Anyway, Rachel got married to my brother Sam on her final year of her law school. Don’t ask me why the hurry. I later found out that she had such an argument with her sisters that she just wanted to get out of the house and Sam being the biggest sweetheart would of course rescue the damsel in distress. I never understood how siblings could argue so bad that she really didn’t want them even in her wedding. My brother managed to console her to it. And they were re-listed in the wedding invitation only at the very last minute.
She likes the feeling of a QUEEN who has the last say. Rachel is the youngest of 5. Her siblings were all much older than her and she has always gotten things her way. ALWAYS. She is never short of branded things on her because her siblings looked at her as their child due to the age gap. She was trying the same technique on my brother while they were going out and he really couldn’t stand it and wanted to call it quits. My mom said she cried the whole day waiting outside the door begging for his forgiveness. My brother took her back. (Stupid boy) And two years later they were married.
Rachel has always REALLY wanted my life. Or rather she wants to be me. It was rather obvious in everything she did. She told Sam she wanted the same 3 carat diamond that I got for my engagement from my husband.
My brother is a very simple guy. He is very pious and religious. He is not really driven to really make lotsa money. My husband is an entrepreneur. Making lotsa money is his passion. Sam’s salary is very small and she was still in school at that time. I remembered my brother calling me asking me how much my ring was. I gulped. How could I tell him that my ring was 5 times his annual salary PLUS bonus.
I reminded him that my husband is at a different stage of his life. Which really is true. He has been working for a while and basically stable in the financial side. My brother has just started working for 6 months and that it would be silly of her to “hint” that she wanted the same one. Why would she demand that? I told him that he should focus on love. I offered to pay for their honeymoon. He got a flower shaped ring whereby lotsa tiny diamonds made into one. In a way, in a distance it does give a glimpse as if it’s a solitaire. He showed us the ring nervously and I thought it was beautiful. He quietly said that that was all he could afford. I told him that his love was all that matters anyway.
Shortly after marriage and after hanging out with my husband and I a bit more, they started calling each other “Hon.” Like my husband & I do. They used to call each other “ B” I think it was short for “Baby”. I didn’t really think much about that.
She came over to our place, she seems to like a particular cupboard that we brought from Australia. They went to IKEA and bought similar concept cupboard. My husband is very lovey dovey to me and suddenly my brother who is not comfortable with PDA is seen to be forcing out some PDA. It looked more awkward than anything else.
They lived at my parents’ place while waiting for their apartment to be ready. And throughout the whole year and a half, my mom said Rachel has never ever done any sort of housework. She has never done so when she was living with her family and when living with my parents, my brother was doing all the housework. My mom said it didn’t matter much since Sam was doing it. Rachel is allergic to household chores.
During her school time, she took a part time job in Espirit retail shop. And one of the tasks was to sweep the floor. She quit her job when she was told it was her turn that week to do the cleaning of the retail shop. She didn’t really want to work. She was just doing it to pass her time and have extra cash to buy branded shoes.
Until today, she would not do any sort of housework. She is really meant to marry a king and to live a princess life.
We were driving a LEXUS RX350. And she was telling my brother that that was the car they will be buying soon. My brother started to take two jobs to sustain her lifestyle.
The biggest thing which made it so obvious was when she asked me when I conceived my first child. I told her on the 3rd month of marriage. Mind you. I was 33 and I have a stable high ranking job and we are fantastic financially. And both my job and my husband’s are at a point whereby we could work remotely from anywhere. She was just about to do her bar in court, he just worked for just 14 months by then and they have no financial stability. She was 23. The plan to buy a car had to be scrapped. She got pregnant after 3 months of being married.
She had a very difficult pregnancy. More because she has no tolerance for pain or stress. She did her internship in 4 different companies because she claimed it was stressful. After the 4th company you really start to wonder if she knows that being a lawyer is not only about having the glamorous tag of being called a lawyer, it also comes with stress. I only knew that her pregnancy was exaggerated when I brought her to the doctor one day because my brother was held up at work and the doctor spoke to me personally that Rachel was just not a capable person. She basically cannot do anything. The doctor said she complained about everything that she started to realise that Rachel was just not happy doing anything. She just wanted to do nothing.
Oh by the way, her gynaecologist was mine. Yes Rachel wanted the same gynaecologist too. The gynaecologist was telling me, how was it that me (the one with an illness since childhood and having a complicated pregnancy) had no complains and staying positive while this very healthy girl complained about everything. She also told me that the complains are exaggerated to make my brother feels like he owes his life to her. Rachel spent her pregnancy laying around doing nothing because she didn’t want to work after quitting her 4th company and said it was too stressful.
How is it I was doing everything and was so active and not letting my pregnancy get in the way while she seemed to literally have a banner on her forehead saying “MAKING A BABY INSIDE ME> BIG JOB> CANT DO ANYTHING”
It was fair to say that she wasn’t really well liked by people. Everyone can see what she was doing. What I shouldn’t have done was telling her how grateful I am that my husband was doing the night shift so that I can concentrate on resting and pumping for breast milk twice during the night And try to go back to sleep without having to wake up to feed my baby. He is able to do that because he is his own boss.
Rachel demanded the same from my brother. My brother is just an employee. He would get fired if he couldn’t concentrate on his work. We found out that during her maternity, yes the time when she didn’t have to go to work (remember I didn’t have any maternity leave?), she told Sam that he should be a good husband and do the nightshift too. My brother is also a peace maker. He would rather just do what she wants than to argue. So there were times when we were talking to my brother and his eyes were closing because he had 6 hours of sleep in a week.
She looked fantastic for someone who just gave birth. She had enough sleep. She didn’t want to pump at night and therefore her milk supply didn’t really flow and decided she didn’t want to breastfeed. She has ample sleep and rest. And she doesn’t do nappy change either. She would rather wait for my brother to come back home during lunch time to change the baby. If I was there I would change her baby’s nappy 5 times before lunchtime … which explained why the baby had horrible excruciating rash on her private area. I would wash the baby and change her. I would buy some products to help with her rash. Poor child.
Rachel is not ready to be a mother even though she hailed about her motherhood on facebook. Being a mother is not only about playing with the kids while they are smiling and completely ignore them when they are crying. She just wanted to be a mommy because it does sound cool. They hired a maid shortly after the first child was born. The baby’s rash reduced significantly since there was someone changing her nappy often enough.
They sent the helper to my mother’s house. They wanted my mom to watch their helper take care of the baby. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. I conceived my son when my daughter was only 5 months old. I was told I would not be able to be so lucky to get another miracle so therefore we were not careful and it was an accident. It’s a fantastic accident and we are so lucky to have him today. I only suspected something when Rachel asked me again how old was my daughter when I conceived my son. I told her.
2 months later, she told us that she was pregnant with their second child. Conceived 5 months after her first child was born. Coincidence? My brother? No, he wanted a break before the second child. He was already struggling financially. Did she care? Obviously not so much. What Rachel wants, Rachel gets. And he was told that she was taking the pills. Her helper later told me that she didn’t take any of those pills because they were still in the boxes. My brother wasn’t involved in the decision making process. It got him by surprise. He was panicking because he knows they would be really financially tight.
The helper does everything for the babies. However, this went on for a year and then soon after that the second child came and my mom began to realise that this arrangement could be permanent as long as they keep popping kids out.
I have two kids and would sometimes, thought very rarely, ask my mom to help babysit once in a while. But I have never had my kids at my mom’s house permanently everyday from 7-7. They even put a camera at my mom’s house which my mom didn’t appreciate because she felt her personal space was being invaded.
On top of that my mom was not allowed to go out of her apartment as long as the kids are there. She wasn’t allowed to go to a nearby grocery shop because they were not comfortable with the maid alone with their babies. I even suggested for them to go for walks. But Rachel wasn’t comfortable with the idea because the babies would be kidnapped. … I know. A little bit screwed in the head.
So my mom became trapped in her own house and on weekends she only has the energy to do her grocery shopping and enjoys the peace and quiet. For two years my mom didn’t visit anyone, meet up anyone, and go to the gym or any social outings because of this obligation.
Slowly my mom shrunk in size. She also became weak. With no exercise and no social life, my mom slowly became unhappy. She is always happy to spend time with the babies but it was taking over her life.
The first child has no form of discipline and she screams her lungs out for anything because the maid has to comply otherwise Rachel would hear it from the CCTV and would call her and scold her. My mom didn’t feel right trying to discipline the screaming child because she didn’t want to upset Rachel. The screaming somehow made her chest hurt with every scream.
In September 29th 2013, my sister, her husband and 2 kids aged 4 and 2 came to Singapore and stayed with me for a month. During this time, she went to my mom’s place every so often. She wanted to take her kids to interesting places, like the zoo or the Universal Studio. And she wanted to take my mom along so that she gets to spend more time with the grandkids who are usually in Singapore one month per year.
She almost pleaded my brother for time off so she could take my mom out with her. In the beginning he said he would take time of work whenever my sister would want to take my mom out. But she told him that she wants to spend time with her mom and that she wanted her kids to spend time with her mom. My brother then said that he couldn’t take time off work the whole month. My sister felt bad that everytime she wanted to spend time with my mom they have to go to my mom’s place.
The issue is, my mom’s attention would quickly go to the two babies and left her kids yearning for attention. Every day, she would come home telling me how disturbing she felt about this whole arrangement. We tried hinting to my brother a few times but we know how my brother works. If he knows his wife will not take it well, he will not deal with it.
It must have been hell at home if he desperately wants to keep the peace at home. We also slowly found out that she does give him threats whenever he didn’t comply. And she knows his weakest link. She said she would divorce him and her being a lawyer; she will make sure he will never see his kids ever again. That would be a life sentence for my brother who has been so involved in the babies’ lives.
Yes she did carry them for 10 months. Yes she did deliver them. However, my brother has been coming home every lunch time to spend time with his kids. The kids run to daddy when they feel upset or scared. Not mommy.
Even my dad, who is oblivious to many things were asking “Why is she not picking up her crying baby who is in front of her? Why is facebook more important than picking up the crying child?” Because in her mind, she had a very tiring day at work and when she comes home she just wanna see happy kids to play with. When they are crying or dirty, that would be the helper’s and Sam’s responsibility. I couldn’t take it. Being a mother myself. I picked up the second child and calmed her down. How could a mother bear seeing her child cry and not react?
She claimed she is uncomfortable about the kids leaving home for walks because she is worried they will be kidnapped. She claimed that she didn’t want to put her kids in daycare because she doesn’t trust the daycare. They could hurt her kids. And having all these strong fear, she doesn’t seem to give a damn about the kids when they are in front of her. We saw pictures and pictures of smiling kids and her hailing “I’m meant to be a mom.”
Makes me question what makes a mom a mother. WE are all working moms and yes we have limited time with our kids but when we do have the kids, don’t we want to spend every second of their waking hours with them? And attending to them?
Rachel doesn’t raise her kids. When my brother is not around, and her kids were upset, they ran to the kitchen looking for the helper. How is it she hailed she is a mother?
Anyway, seeing all these and not said anything, on 29th October 2013, Sam, Rachel and the 2 kids came to my place. My sister was busy packing and in the middle of packing, my sister said she wanted some changes done to mom’s life. Mom was a prisoner in her own home.
Of course my mom has confided in my sister and explained why she couldn’t spend much time with her far away grandkids. My sister basically presented the fact. That their two kids have bought my mom’s freedom.
My brother insisted that my mom said she wanted to care for the kids. That was true. But she didn’t think it was going to be a permanent arrangement. And she didn’t think that they would have a second child so soon.
Throughout the whole discussion I lost my tongue. I didn’t know how to present it. I know my sister in law and how bad she is in handling any form of stress. She has everything her way or no way. And she doesn’t like someone telling her that things need to change.
The reality was, they did take my parents for granted. They didn’t give another thought about it. They didn’t discuss with my mom if it was ok when the second child comes. They just assumed my mom would be jumping with joy without realising how tiring bringing up kids would be.
Rachel wouldn’t know because she doesn’t bring their kids up. It would either be the helper, or my brother or my mom. She just has the fun part of it all…. So the conversation was as such.
Sis: I just want to take the opportunity to highlight a situation which was slightly frustrating this past one month. I am only here for a month and the whole point about this trip is to spend as much time as I have with mom and dad and that they have time to spend with their grandkids that they meet one month annually. That wasn’t possible because mom is trapped in her own home.
Sam: (Giggled) No she’s not trapped. She enjoys taking care of them
Rachel: Yes she would say she misses them every Monday after a weekend without them.
Sis: Yes, of course she misses them. But she has them every day. Mom doesn’t do anything anymore but watch your kids. She doesn’t have a life. She doesn’t have any drive. She is basically dead.
Sam: She hasn’t complained anything. I kept asking her if it was alright and she said it was fine with the arrangement.
** Here’s something annoying about my mom. She has gone thru too much in her life and made her this way. She is afraid to offend anyone. She wouldn’t complain to my brother but she would mention it to my sister who is very defensive over my mom. My sister would bend backwards to make sure that my mom is happy. My mom told my sister how she felt. She felt weak, unwell and that she was really unhappy. Hearing that, my sister felt the urgency to make some changes before she flies off.
Sis: That wasn’t what she told me. She told me everything. She didn’t know you were gonna have a second child so soon. What happens now? Because you said you wanted 4 in total. Doesn’t that mean that 8 years of her life will be just stuck in her apartment? She has friends, she has relatives, she has obligations, she has errands and it cannot be all about your kids.
Rachel: (Whispering to my brother but we all could hear it) I told you this would happen! I told you didn’t I?
Sis: Rachel, what is it that you told him?
Rachel: This is between my husband and I don’t have to discuss with you.
Sam: Look, Rachel’s mother has never been comfortable putting her in school in she was 6.
Rachel: (Fiery eyes) STOP PUTTING MY LATE MOM IN THE PICTURE!!! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY MOM. We suddenly saw the real Rachel, the way she spoke to her husband.
Sis: Sam was just trying to explain why your kids are not sent to school.
Rachel: Again, that’s between my husband and it’s not open for discussion.
Sis: It is because my mom is shrinking by the day. She has no life in her. She has no soul and you want to wait till she dies before you realised that? She has nothing going on for her. You first child screams her lungs out every 30 seconds. And it’s hurting her. She can’t control or discipline her kids. The CCTV is invasive for her too. She has no personal space and her siblings are calling her saying she’s in JAIL. Doesn’t that say something???? I don’t know what and I don’t care what you guys want to do about it but there need to be some changes. URGENTLY.
Everyone was silent. Me included. I knew Rachel will blow it. My sister excused herself to finish packing while letting us think about it.
Rachel: (Got up and turned to Sam) What kind of a husband are you??? You didn’t stand up for me??!! All my life I have to fight myself??? Is this how it’s going to be???
Sam was quiet.
Rachel: GET UP!!!!! BE A MAN!!!!! For once in your life you can’t fight for your wife????
Sam: What is there to fight about? She was just telling us her opinion.
Rachel: Your sister said she doesn’t care!!!! She doesn’t care!!! Your sister shouted at me and you just kept quiet??!?!?!?!? Look at you!!!!! I’m leaving and you can stay if you want to!!!! And be a coward!! But im not staying!!! (Called her maid to pack up everything and collect the kids) We are going home!!! And you can stay her with your sisters if you want
By this time, I stood up to calm her down. Rachel was crying uncontrollably. I told her to calm down and we can solve this.
Rachel: Solve this???! Look at your brother???!! Your sister shouted at me and hes not even defending me!!!! You think I don’t know what’s going on behind my back????!!! I read everything what you and your sister wrote when Sam told you girls that I prefer to stay at home instead of working. I was so pregnant (turning to Sam) WITH YOUR BABY!!!!!!! And so in pain (Yeah right!) and I cried for 2 nights after reading everything that you two wrote. Sam didn’t stand up for me then and he’s not doing it now either!!!! I’ll fend for myself!
She was referring to one conversation between siblings. Me, my sister and my brother. He wrote that Rachel wants to be a stay at home mom. We all know that means she wants to do nothing. Because the maid will be doing everything and taking care of the kids while shes on facebook all day. We didn’t write that. He wrote that he thinks he will be struggling financially. I said I wouldn’t mind helping here and there. My brother said that she has to work if she wants to sustain her lifestyle. My sister said it would be such a waste to be a qualified lawyer and yet not work. There is bound to be stress with a job with such glamorous title. Therefore she should embrace it. And learn the ropes. It’s one about producing kids but it’s another to make sure you have enough to sustain their education. Basically that was the gist of it. Rachel doesn’t like the fact that all three of us said that she may need to work if she wants to sustain her lifestyle.
My sister emerged from the room, hearing all the shouting. She asked what happened.
Sis: I couldn’t even tell you the reality of what’s happening?
Rachel: It’s over! We are not talking about it anymore. I’m leaving!!! Sam!!!! Are you coming???!!!!
Sis: We can’t talk about things like adults?? Why are you running away?????
Rachel: It’s not right that your sisted shouted at me!! And you just sit there!!!
Sis: Im right here. Let’s talk about it.I may say it in a suggestive tone but you know I have the right to be upset about this!!! And because of that you are leaving?? Really?? I’m flying in 3 hours and you want to end it like this???? Fine! Suit yourself, if I said something wrong I’m sorry. Where are your kids? I’’ say goodbye to my nieces.
She hugged and kissed them. And she called her kids to hug and kiss the two kids, Sam and Rachel. And they left.
I was shaking. What just happened?
As they walked away she called Sam “USELESS”, “LOSER”, “NOBODY”, STUPID” because she is a lawyer and my brother is just a mechanical engineer who earns a small pay.
Nobody told her to marry my brother. She chose him. We kindda know that she would never find any man who would love her so much to put up with her nasty words when she’s angry. Who would do everything to make her happy and for her not to see that. My brother is living is constant fear of her flaring up because that would mean, whatever the matter is, it’s all his fault.
She complained about him being a lower class. (Her family is a typical low class family yet because she is a qualified lawyer and he earns lesser than her, she decided that it’s ok to tag my family as a low class.) She has cursed our family, our names. And she would be so nasty that my brother knows that the best thing to do to keep staying married to her (or else he would never see his kids again) is to make her happy.
She reads and checks everything on his phone. She is very insecure and always thinking that my brother has someone else. I’m sorry, but I really hope he does…. Really mean for me to think that way but I can’t help feeling sorry for him.
He is trapped in his own life. He has no time away from the family. They spend their non-working hours with each other because all his friends are “losers” according to her. And that he is so lucky to get a lawyer wife.
Straight after that incident, I had to take my daughter for her ballet class. My daughter was asking what happened. She was 4. I said there were just some disagreements.
I took her to her class, went back to my car and that was it for me. I cried my heart out.
What just happened there? My sister just wanted my brother to understand what was happening. And Rachel showed her true self in front of all of us. It’s appalling how she speak to my brother. I’ve been married for 7 years and I haven’t spoken to my husband that rudely before.
Why was I crying?? I don’t really know. Maybe because I worked so hard since I joined this family 13 years ago. I wanted a family to have a sense of belonging and it breaks my heart to see this family fall apart! I worked so hard to come to this point to lose everything. It hurts to see my brother so blind. To see my brother be treated like trash. I want to help him but I know no one can. Only he can do it himself. My head just couldn’t get around how someone as sweet as him ended up with someone so vicious? Why is life so unfair? He deserves to be treated with some dignity at least … if he still has any left.
I am upset that my sister would get upset and shouted back. Yes my sister has a way of saying things that hurts. She does have a sharp tongue but she was basically trying to solve my mom’s issue.
I cried for an hour before I re-do my make up to fetch my daughter. She shouldn’t see any of this.
I fetched her and we went straight to the airport to meet them on last time before their flight back home in France.
My brother called my sister. He told her “I hope you are happy. She will divorce me. And I’ll never see my kids again.” My sister again tried to explain things. I really do feel like an outsider.
My heart was breaking and it was so painful. After they flew and we put the kids to bed. I cried in bed again. I didn’t quite understand how that turned out so bad. But it did.
It’s been 6 months since it happened. Rachel blocked me from any off of communication.
She would not attend any celebration when I’m there. We tend to always go back to our parents for cake cutting ceremony. My other brother’s birthday – Apparently she had to work late. My son’s birthday 19th January – Apparently her second daughter was unwell. My birthday – she wasn’t feeling well.
And the last obvious straw when it was their first daughter’s birthday. I did a heart shaped cake and all the food for our family. My brother said they will not come. I sent it to my mom’s and wrote to him “Enjoy the party.” It’s clear I wasn’t wanted to be in the party. I sent everything on Friday which was the real birthdate.
They apparently came unannounced on Monday at my parents so that I wouldn’t make an appearance. To cut the cake. Everyone was there. I received some pictures and videos of my niece cutting the cake.
It warmed my heart watching that tiny smile loving the cake. If this means that’s my only chance of seeing her, then be it… I just have to accept it. Rachel wins.
So … all the fairy tales and stories that we grew up with, whereby the wicked always loses … that’s a whole of crap. Pardon my French.