Friday, May 18, 2012

The Tragic Road Accident

You can read about the news here: 

On 12th May at 4:09 am, there was a tragic car accident here in Singapore. It didn't take long for the news to spread like wild fire. Everywhere I went ... there were details of the tragic accident being talked about, broadcasted on TV or plastered papers everywhere. There was no way of NOT knowing about this accident if you are living in Singapore.

I cringed to the news. I was involved in a car accident when I was 9, whereby I lost both my parents to a drunk truck driver. I survived the impact but I was so traumatised that at the age of 9, against many therapists advice, I went through hypnotherapy to bury that memory into a safe place.

It was a long process but it worked. I moved on, I was a happy cheerful kid, growing up to a point that if I did not mention about the tragic accident in my life, nobody would think I ever had anything traumatising happening in my life.

Out of curiosity, and up till today, I still didn't understand why I clicked on the video which was heavily publicised everywhere. It was literally EVERYWHERE to a point  that I felt the need to look at it. That was the most stupid thing for me to do.

The video showed how the accident happened. And seconds after that,  the memory which was safely locked in a good place, ( and hoped never to be found again), suddenly emerged like flash images in front of me. What have I just done???  I had just unlocked the memory bank!!!

I could hear the screeching of the car, the bright lights heading straight at us... and that one big bang ..... I cringed to the memory as the emotions that was tagged to it quickly engulfed me like a big tsunami wave! I choked & my heart was pounding so hard ....but I was with my two babies so I shut the video, smiled at them as if nothing happened.

My kids were unwell at this time .. and my son is still recuperating VERY SLOWLY….. at first my husband was ill. My daughter caught whatever he was having last week & now my son is going through the same thing. For the sake of my family, I put aside my own feelings & attended to them. They needed me.

Days passed as I suppressed my need to “deal” with my emerged memory. Throughout the course of the day, I would be reminded here and there. Even though I have a strong urge purge the overwhelming emotions by breaking down & cry (just to get it out of my system), I didn’t do so…. I started humming & started thinking of happy thoughts……Procrastinating on dealing on something so disturbing to me.

It worked for a while, and my angelic children’s faces are enough to make me hold back.

I have them …. They are my life now. My son however, have been struck by this virus worse than anyone else in the family did. It could be because he is the youngest & may not have the immunity to fight against this virus yet.

For 3 days in a row, we haven’t slept properly. I am seriously talking about only one or two proper hours while spending the rest of the night attending to our miserable son. Either being puked on or being poo-ed on ....He was in agony & I became angry as exhaustion took over ..

We went to the doctor on Tuesday & the doctor didn’t think there is seriously wrong with my son. However, every single night, my son would clutch his tummy & sleep with his knees on his tummy, crying in agony non-stop. I was merely given ibuprofen & paracetamol. I do not understand why we are going through these sleepless nights if there is really nothing serious with him??!!

Why am I telling you all these? Well, had all these not happened, I believe I could probably deal with my emotions better. The lack of sleep, the exhaustion, not knowing how to help your son in agony ultimately took a toll on me.

I couldn’t think anymore. My husband has just recovered from this virus and he is not getting any sleep either since he needs to help me when our son threw up everywhere. (Usually on me- bugger!) So I really didn’t want to bother him more.

While I thought I did really well suppressing my feelings, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep & lack of understanding on what’s going on with our son, the worry - all rolled into one big gigantic emotional ball -  I lost it last night.

I looked like I was so in control.  My son’s fever rose high again & you could see me running with all the necessary medications. Finally he calmed down. My husband retreated into the bed hoping to catch some sleep knowing very well that we would have to wake up again soon.

At that moment, I knew I was falling apart…. I went into the bathroom , fell sitting on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.

I didn’t want to bother my husband since I thought he should be trying to get what little sleep we were entitled to, so I tried to cry very quietly. I didn’t know how long I’ve been there ….  A high pile of used tissues later, my husband came into the pitch dark bathroom. Finding me on the floor, he panicked wondering what happened (or maybe wondering what he has done wrong now)

I blurted everything, crying into his arms. And he was holding me so tight.  I was grateful that he was there. I missed my parents. And being scared to talk about it because I am worried I wouldn't be able to pull it together is probably the biggest fear I have.  I missed them terribly. The video reminded me of the impact I went through & how everything was too fast for me to grasp on how I lost my own parents.

I always have in my head going "Can someone explain to me again how I lost my parents?"

It was too fast. In a split second you lost everything you ever know. You lost everything you love.

How fragile is a human life. I really feel bad for the cab driver & his passenger who didn’t do anything wrong & innocently had their lives taken away from them without any warning at all. The passenger was a lady in her 20s!  So much to do in life and now it’s all over.

I felt sick in my tummy thinking the loss their family would be going through now because I know that feeling darn well and it’s not a nice feeling at all.

I feel extremely sad for everyone who was affected by this tragic accident on 12th May.

While I was heavily being pampered on Mother’s Day (13th May in Singapore), I had no idea that the cabby’s family spent the whole night by his side hoping for him to pull it through. He didn’t make it.

I only found out about the news on Monday. And I felt a pang of guilt & wanted to reach out to his family badly. But can I take it? I was emotionally affected by my own tragic accident, would I be able to be there for another family who lost their sole breadwinner.

At this point, I wish I could tell his kids that it will be ok. But will it? There were reports saying that the Ferrari driver that hit the cab could be intoxicated. And if that’s the case, I have no mercy for that driver at all. 

If he wasn’t , why was he running into a red light? I saw threads of angry writers condemning this Ferrari driver for what he did and the losses that had incurred due to his mistakes. I know he has family too and that they are mourning for his loss. Having said that, it didn’t stop me from being very angry at him for his judgement, his driving & his carelessness. As a result, his family suffered the most. The loss of someone they love, the judgement & criticisms they had to hear & the guilt they would feel for the loss of other innocent lives.

A lot of threads were also pulling the nationality card. I believe that no matter what nationality he is, what he did was very wrong. What he did has hurt his own family most – his wife (who is pregnant with their second child), his mom & his brother. While they are defending his allegations (like any family would), I know deep down, they know that what he did wasn’t right.

Yes I am angry about this accident. I cannot stress enough how many innocent lives have been taken away from their loved ones due to drink driving or drug driving.

Please spread the word around. You may not have already lost someone in such accident before but trust me, it is something you really do not want to feel.

The loss, the emptiness, the anger, the disappointment. Please advise your friends and remember it yourself – no matter how much you think you are not drunk, if you drink, please take a cab. You wouldn’t be able to move on knowing you killed someone due to your negligence.

Please ... help anyone who is drunk into a cab. You have no idea how many lives you would be saving by that one gesture.